Psychotically-pink

When I’m alone I have too much time to think, to wonder about how things could have been.I keep reading his blog. It doesn’t usually sting too much, but then I saw this line, “I don’t even really like the girl.” It was written when we were still fucking..when I thought things might be on the mend. I felt a pang. My eyes may have stung a bit. It’s weird when someone goes from supposedly hating you, to professing love and wanting you back.

I made my choice. I know that. I just wish I would stop torturing myself. The new guy is amazing, attentive and sweeter than any guy has been before. For months I went without contact with the ex and then he popped back into my life again. Although I can’t forgive him for what he did…at least not right now there’s still a huge fucking part of me that cares. I know everything will work out the way it’s supposed to,and I know I’m better off (like I said, new guy is everything a girl could ask for, and more) but fuck sometimes I wish the ex hadn’t thrown what we had away.

Starting over isn’t as easy as I thought it would be.

to my post about selfishness, I’ve decided that it is neither of the things I mentioned, it all comes down to naivety and ignorance.

I don’t care what people say, humans are prone to selfishness. Don’t throw that culture bullshit.Human nature is human nature. If you are going to make excuses and bitch about how selfish people are, you’re an idiot, and chances are that, you my friend are just as selfish as the next person, not to mention you seem to be sitting high on a throne.

This just rubs me so the wrong way. The world does not revolve around you.

Clearly that isn’t possible since the world is too busy revolving around me and my splendor

But in all seriousness, what is with people lately? Drop the holier than thou attitude, take a chill pill and just fucking relax. Live in the moment, take things as they come and if you’re tired of coming in last, or are tired of waiting for other people fucking do something about it!

If I didn’t have this blog to write about this, I probably would have exploded by now. A few times little fickle comments have vomited from my mouth because I simply don’t think sometimes, but holy shit. I can only take so much and being a blunt person only adds to the issue.

Thank god this all wasn’t happening last month when I was off my meds, I probably would have gouged someone’s eye out with a rusty spoon. My rage issues are bad enough when I am docile and content, when I’m off my meds I am a raving lunatic half the time. I can admit this. Today I can put my earphones in, and listen to my shiny pink ipod and just tune everyone else out.

It’s lovely. I’m just so sick of close mindedness, naivety, and people with superiority complexes (i recognize that I do suffer from this sometimes, but it’s mostly for the sake of humor. I am hilarious.)

My state of mind must be a little on the low side these days because I seem to bitch and rant and moan on here a lot. I need to have something hilarious to happen. If you’re a new reader and you want to read some hilarious story click here. I am looking to see if I wrote about the demise of my last cell phone, if not I will write a blog about it tomorrow when I’m bored. It’s pretty hilarious.

I’m a clumsy girl with bad luck, my life is never dull.

I’ve had it.

I’m suppose to split internet bills with the idiots who live in front of me but usually the internet is down for half the month because they don’t seem to know how to reset their router, and despite my attempts I can’t gain remote access to resert it myself, because they use some gibberish as a password.

I’ll just swallow my pride and pay 43$ a month to have my own damn internet. I need it for school and it need it for my sanity. Mooching off others is lovely, but sometimes i just want to be alone, music blaring while I read my fanfic in peace. Sometimes I don’t play well with others.

This is one of those times.

maybe I’m just getting touchy because I have no internet at home to keep me occupied, so I have to spend more time with others than I’m use to to leech of public interwebs. I don’t know, but I’m noticing some things about several people that are going to drive me absolutely batty.

In general people are selfish. This is something I’ve come to live with, because I’m sorry, but at certain times in your life you do need to come first, and you do need to do what you need to do. You dig? I’ve spent a long time putting other people’s needs before mine, and right now I’m focusing on me. that doesn’t mean my friends and family aren’t important- they are, in fact they’re the most important people in my life. They always will be.

I’m not selfish to the point of hurting anyone, or of blatantly being rude. I just decided back in the summer that for once in my life I’m numero uno. I’m human and we’re generally selfish creatures.

But my biggest pet peeve is when someone else goes on about how selfish everyone is but them. Sure sometimes they may have completely valid points, but most of the time they don’t…and most of the time the reasons they’re saying others are being selfish for are selfish reasons in and of themselves (does that make sense?).

I mean, sure sometimes people piss me off, but if you’re only ever getting pissed off and complaining when everyone else isn’t revolving their plans around you, you should stop and think…“wait a minute, who is being selfish here? Me, or them?”

I’m just reaching a level where my tolerance is akin to none. It’s one thing if you realize you’re being a bit selfish too, but it’s another thing when you’re trying to say you’re a completely selfless person. That type of person just doesn’t exist, and you can’t convince me otherwise. Sorry. It doesn’t make you a bad person, it just makes you human.

So I have a friend that I use to work with, I haven’t seen her in a long while. Today we finally had a chance to meet up and grab some Moxies. It turns out both of us have had pretty severe summers (hers much more so than mine in terms of severity). Without going into too much detail of her current predicament I’ll just say the family is preparing for a loss and it has everyone on edge.

We bitched about life over appetizers and goat cheese pizza when she started telling me about a fight her and her beau had earlier this week. I have never in my entire life been so utterly fucking appalled by something a man has said to his significant other: he called her useless. Of all the things to call someone, especially when they’re having a rough time this is one of the worst.

I’ve been called lazy, crazy, unmotivated and other things I’m sure I’m not remembering, but never in my entire life have I been called useless. If a guy chose to call me useless he’d be getting a swift kick to the nads and you can bet your ass he’d be apologizing all the way home. I know I’m a bit of a pushover, but something like this just crosses the line.

And he hasn’t apologized yet.

I’ve never been a name caller..maybe I should give him the benefit of the doubt and assume it was said out of anger. There’s just something about it that makes me feel fairly ill. When I’m angry I cry, I yell and I throw shit. I have a bad temper: it’s what I do. I don’t name call, and I don’t know many people who sling insults back and forth when they fight.

She’s asked me for advice and I honestly don’t know what to say. I don’t do the silent treatment, I don’t run away from fights, and ontop of all of that I really don’t feel comfortable giving out relationship advice right now.

And they’re back. I’ve been pretty well nightmare free since the beginning of August. I suppose all good things must come to an end though.

I basically pulled an all nighter last night for an economics test I had today. Finally at 6am I went to sleep planning on getting up at 8 to go to my classes. I woke up around 7 all sweaty and panicking. My nightmares are usually very vivid, but obviously not realistic.

I don’t know what it was about this dream, but it was just fucking horrifying. It was like any pain inflicted during the dream I could actually feel. Has anyone else ever experienced this? It was absolutely fucking terrifying. I use to have someone I could call and talk to(and have calm me down) or someone to at least hold me when this shit happened.

Now I have a dog. Not the most comforting thing in the world. Needless to say I didn’t go back to sleep. I studied a bit, though there’s not much studying you can do when you’re in a paranoid state of panic.

On a positive note, I finally got my unemployment insurance! I’m rich!

I am freezing. I have no temperature control in my apartment. My fingers are kind of numb so I keep making typos. Ugh. Story of my life, right?

So anyhoo, yesterday some friends and I made a road trip to my home town so I could pick up the contacts I ordered like a month ago. In typical Ashli’s Life fashion they had ordered the wrong contacts. I ordered monthly disposables. I usually pay around 130$ for 6 months worth.

So the poor receptionist opens my file and pulls out two vials. I think at this point my face may have started to heat a bit. Disposables do not come in vials.. I took a deep breathe and asked if those were mine…she said yes. I swallowed hard. I have a horrible temper, and given my stress levels lately this whole situation was not a good thing.

I tried to nicely inform her that it wasn’t what I ordered, but asked how much they wanted since at this point I just want some fucking contacts. 340 fucking dollars!. My green lenses didn’t even cost that much! What are these things, made of gold?!!

By this point the lady who actually had ordered my contacts went and hid in the back. I think maybe she could tell that I wanted to kick her in the vagina. Hard.

Eventually the receptionist (who really was a doll considering I was glaring daggers) found a pair of monthly disposables in the back for me (for free) and ordered what I actually needed. On top of that they’re shipping the proper things to my house in Windsor so I don’t have to drive back again.

So, after this adventure I went to the bank to verify this whole “3 day hold” deal. I knew the telephone banking guy was lying. Ugh. So I gather all my info and I call the government. AGAIN.

So to make a long story short:

1. First time around, my ROE got lost. I’ve been waiting for money since July
2. Yay I finally am getting money! (this was last week)
3. Where is my fucking money? Why is my account empty?(last week again)
4. Turns out the bank has changed my transit number without telling me. Yay?
5. I call the government to give them the proper account info.
6. I am assured the proper info is in my account. I should re-receive my money Wednesday(this week)
7. It’s Wednesday. Where the fuck is my money?
8. I call on Thursday  and the government insists everything is fine.
9. I check with my bank.  They have no idea what’s going on.
10. Friday rolls around. I call the government again. It turns out the idiot who “fixed” my info typo-ed an extra 0 into my account info.
11. I screamed and yelled a few times.
12. Because of the holiday I will receive my money by Oct.13th at the earliest.

So yes. They will owe me around 2500$ by the time the money actually goes into my account. I seriously have no idea what I did to deserve such shit luck. God (if he exists.) sure does like to smite me.

Ugh. So this whole unemployment insurance thing has been a huge fucking pain in the ass. First the account info was wrong (my bank’s fault) so everything had to be reissued.

Yesterday I was supposed to receive some money from them. It never came, so I called between classes today (I am currently in my lab/class before it starts). The government has all my proper account information and on their end it says the money has been deposited.

The bank was basically like “Well it’s not there on our end, so sorry for you’re luck.” Excuse me?! Ugh. So I freaked out and made him call the branch of my checking account. They told him there’s a 3 day hold on government deposits.

I call bullshit. Yesterday I received my school money (well most of it) and that was from the government. There was no hold. The whole situation is infuriating. I have more than enough money to cover my expenses until it’s sorted out, but it doesn’t make it any less frustrating. I’ve been waiting for this fucking money since July.

I still hate therapy.

That stupid Priss just makes me think too much. I’m not a fan.

I have a ton to think about and I need to figure out what I’m going to do. I really hate when therapists are right.

I am thisclose to using a self help book. Not that it would help anyway.

Right now my life is like this: I’m trying to make positive changes. I’m trying to be positive no matter what gets dumped on me. So far I’ve done pretty well. 6 months ago I would have slit my wrists. I’m not kidding. That isn’t something I openly blog about-but it’s the reality. I figure this is the one place I can be honest without being judged.

And hell, if you judge me via a comment I can always edit it to say “Ashli poops rainbows.” or “Ashli is wonderful.” or “Ashli is not the least bit emo.”

I just sometimes feel like I’ve taken 1 step forward and 10 steps back. I know everyone around me is trying to be patient, to be positive. I haven’t been the easiest person to handle lately. I’ve been irritable, snappy and just down right mean at some moments. Stress does that to me. Sure mood stabilizers and anti-psychotics help. But they only do so much before you stop feeling. Like..at all. Which is why I refuse to up my already retardedly high dosage. Most people don’t even know half the shit I’ve been put on over the last few months when I was finally properly diagnosed. Not even my family.

My point is this: Despite my trying to be positive it can sometimes be so difficult. Everyone around me means well, but I’ve been getting so much negative feedback from everyone. So many people have opinions on everything I do right now. If I take the dog for a walk at 2am they think I have a death wish, if I spend time with my X I’m weak,  if I smoke too much they think I’m turning into a pothead, if I make new friends there must be something wrong with them.

You dig? I’m just so tired of everyone telling me what they think I should do. My head is on straight for once. I finally feel like I’m getting my shit together, but every negative comment aimed at me just feels like a huge kick to the gut. Generally I don’t fucking care what anyone else thinks, but really it hasn’t done me any good in the past.

While I have found that my support system has for the most part been amazing (seriously thank you) other times I’m infuriated by the fact that people forget this is my life. It’s mine. I’m fixing myself. You aren’t doing it for me. Let me do it at my own pace and for the love of (insert whatever deity here) be supportive and not judgmental! I get judged enough by therapists, doctors and my family. I don’t need it from my friends as well.

I’m a big girl. Please just let me continue to learn from my mistakes. That’s what life is about.