Psychotically-pink

I don’t know if its the weather, the stress or what but I’ve just felt out of it lately: nostalgic, lonely at times but pretty much content. It’s nice to be able to look back on things and see them for what they are, nice memories. I’m trying to focus on myself more and take every day in stride. So far it’s going well.

A good friend of mine once said, “Ashli, you’re thinking too much. Just live in the moment.” This is my (somewhat) new philosophy. I try not to dwell, doddle or focus too much on any one thing in particular. It’s satisfying. I never use to be able to hook Jasper up to his leash and go out for a long walk and just enjoy the scenery and people watch. I’ve never been that girl (unless the people watching included making fun of people anyway). I can feel myself growing and it’s nice. I’m not constantly rattled about stupid little things anymore..whatever happens is going to happen-there really isn’t any sense in fretting or worrying about it too much. N’est pas?

Basically it all comes down to this: I don’t get my hopes up. A few people have misunderstood what I mean and tell me I’m being depressing or pessimistic, but really it’s not about that. I’s about enjoying every day and moment as it comes. Why worry yourself sick about something that may or may not happen within the next few days, months or even years?

I’m not saying have no hope, and I’m certainly not saying I’ve thrown my goals and ambitions to the wind (after all how could I let go of the things that helped bring about this change several months ago?) I still have goals, dreams things I intend on doing eventually. The main thing is I’m working towards them without high expectations. Things will work out the way they should. The same applies to life in general.

Given my luck I just prefer to go with the flow now. There’s no point in getting all worked up and looking forward to something that may never actually happen. (or worse comes thisclose to happening and then falls through) I’d rather take things in stride, and be even happier when things go my way, than to sit around being a worry wart and be absolutely devastated when things don’t go my way.

It makes sense to me anyway.

So I’ve been thinking a lot lately (it’s all I do really, when my internet isn’t working) and I have some pretty amazing friends. The more I think about it, the more I realize in my last relationship I was sort of one of “those” girls (you know the ones who never hang out with their friends…not nearly as much as they used to). I mean, I didn’t drop off the face of the earth like some of our friends have, but I certainly wasn’t around as much as I should have been.

No wonder my independence went out the window over those 3 years. It’s something I’m not going to let happen again. Friends are probably the most important thing you have aside from family, and if you alienate them enough, they probably won’t stick around.

So here’s a list of thank you’s:

Meg: for being there for me even at the moments when we want to rip each others throats out. And for not judging me.
Vanita: for the long talks we have had over the last few months over both of us losing what we felt were great relationships-seemingly out of the blue
Cherith: for listening when we tell her she’s about to do something stupid, so she doesn’t. And making me laugh, girl is hilarious.
Katey:for coming over all summer even when I was locked up in my room refusing to come out, wanting to be alone. You got me out of the house and we had some fun adventures. I miss you.
Zak: for the late night msn talks about boys and broken hearts. You give me faith. I just wish you would move back home.
Rachel: for the email you sent me after reading my blogs, assuring me that life goes on and happiness is just around the corner.

So a little over a year ago I signed (well my mother did because my credit is shit and she is awesome) a two year contract and got myself an LG Rumor when they first came out. My mom is the manager of a Bell World, so I usually have a heads up when a decent phone is coming out. My old Pink Samsung was literally held together with duct tape (i am notoriously awful with phones..my previous phone had been run over by a car and squashed.)

I think back in the beginning of July I managed to destroy my lovely rumor. Up until then I had avoided all the problems they’re supposedly plagued with. I however do have a horrible habit of walking around with my cell phone in my back pocket. Sometimes I just don’t want to be carrying a purse, and most of the time my cell is in my pocket when I’m at home (I don’t have a home phone, just my cell).

So one day I needed to pee (Don’t say i didn’t warn you) and my phone was in my back pocket. As I sat down I distinctly remember thinking to myself, “It would really suck if your phone fell out of your pocket and into the toilet right now.” I jinxed myself folks.

If you’ve been reading my blog for any amount of time (and those of you who have followed me around on the interwebs since I started back when I was 20) you know my shit luck, and you know that when i think about how awful something happening would be, it usually happens.

So there I was mid tinkle when I heard a loud splash. Fuck. I looked down at my ankles and my phone was missing from my pants pocket. At this point I had no idea what to do. Do I flush? Do I fish out the phone, pee and all? I loved that phone, so you can bet that without thinking I fished that phone out of the bowl. Then I flushed.

After that i panicked when I realized how gross what I just did was. Without thinking I washed my hands (well up to my elbows really) and proceeded to rinse off my phone. My brain just doesn’t work well under pressure. So if peeing on my phone hadn’t destroyed it, then rinsing it off surely did.

I ended up replacing it with the exact same phone, though its had tons of issues. I need an upgrade.

Story of my life.

to my post about selfishness, I’ve decided that it is neither of the things I mentioned, it all comes down to naivety and ignorance.

I don’t care what people say, humans are prone to selfishness. Don’t throw that culture bullshit.Human nature is human nature. If you are going to make excuses and bitch about how selfish people are, you’re an idiot, and chances are that, you my friend are just as selfish as the next person, not to mention you seem to be sitting high on a throne.

This just rubs me so the wrong way. The world does not revolve around you.

Clearly that isn’t possible since the world is too busy revolving around me and my splendor

But in all seriousness, what is with people lately? Drop the holier than thou attitude, take a chill pill and just fucking relax. Live in the moment, take things as they come and if you’re tired of coming in last, or are tired of waiting for other people fucking do something about it!

If I didn’t have this blog to write about this, I probably would have exploded by now. A few times little fickle comments have vomited from my mouth because I simply don’t think sometimes, but holy shit. I can only take so much and being a blunt person only adds to the issue.

Thank god this all wasn’t happening last month when I was off my meds, I probably would have gouged someone’s eye out with a rusty spoon. My rage issues are bad enough when I am docile and content, when I’m off my meds I am a raving lunatic half the time. I can admit this. Today I can put my earphones in, and listen to my shiny pink ipod and just tune everyone else out.

It’s lovely. I’m just so sick of close mindedness, naivety, and people with superiority complexes (i recognize that I do suffer from this sometimes, but it’s mostly for the sake of humor. I am hilarious.)

My state of mind must be a little on the low side these days because I seem to bitch and rant and moan on here a lot. I need to have something hilarious to happen. If you’re a new reader and you want to read some hilarious story click here. I am looking to see if I wrote about the demise of my last cell phone, if not I will write a blog about it tomorrow when I’m bored. It’s pretty hilarious.

I’m a clumsy girl with bad luck, my life is never dull.

I would wear pink everyday.

I would have pink everything. Well..I would have mostly pink everythings.

Unfortunately as a 25 (almost 26) year old woman, this is odd to most people. So instead I substitute animal print for pink when I can.

Bright colours (especially pink…obvs) just make me giddy and happy. I miss having a bright pink bedroom..though i decided a while ago that it was maybe time to tone it down and try to grow up a little.

Growing up sucks.

Things I will never give up: My Little Pony, Carebears or Hello Kitty

I’ve had it.

I’m suppose to split internet bills with the idiots who live in front of me but usually the internet is down for half the month because they don’t seem to know how to reset their router, and despite my attempts I can’t gain remote access to resert it myself, because they use some gibberish as a password.

I’ll just swallow my pride and pay 43$ a month to have my own damn internet. I need it for school and it need it for my sanity. Mooching off others is lovely, but sometimes i just want to be alone, music blaring while I read my fanfic in peace. Sometimes I don’t play well with others.

This is one of those times.

maybe I’m just getting touchy because I have no internet at home to keep me occupied, so I have to spend more time with others than I’m use to to leech of public interwebs. I don’t know, but I’m noticing some things about several people that are going to drive me absolutely batty.

In general people are selfish. This is something I’ve come to live with, because I’m sorry, but at certain times in your life you do need to come first, and you do need to do what you need to do. You dig? I’ve spent a long time putting other people’s needs before mine, and right now I’m focusing on me. that doesn’t mean my friends and family aren’t important- they are, in fact they’re the most important people in my life. They always will be.

I’m not selfish to the point of hurting anyone, or of blatantly being rude. I just decided back in the summer that for once in my life I’m numero uno. I’m human and we’re generally selfish creatures.

But my biggest pet peeve is when someone else goes on about how selfish everyone is but them. Sure sometimes they may have completely valid points, but most of the time they don’t…and most of the time the reasons they’re saying others are being selfish for are selfish reasons in and of themselves (does that make sense?).

I mean, sure sometimes people piss me off, but if you’re only ever getting pissed off and complaining when everyone else isn’t revolving their plans around you, you should stop and think…“wait a minute, who is being selfish here? Me, or them?”

I’m just reaching a level where my tolerance is akin to none. It’s one thing if you realize you’re being a bit selfish too, but it’s another thing when you’re trying to say you’re a completely selfless person. That type of person just doesn’t exist, and you can’t convince me otherwise. Sorry. It doesn’t make you a bad person, it just makes you human.

As previously stated, sorry for neglecting. My apologies to you, oh mighty interwebs. My internet at home is down (and my toilet also is broken..my apartment is broken!!) So, here I am blogging from a friend’s. Somehow said friend’s internet does not like my domain at all, so I had to fuck with my registry to even get online.

And I still can’t access my site email. Fuck my life. I’m working with what I have though, and atleast I’m able to post something..anything really. I’ve been missing my outlet. Writing pen and paper in a journal just isn’t the same. I can’t bounce ideas off paper, in fact most things I write in my actual journal aren’t thing I would be posting on the world wide web. Some things are jus too personal.

So last night I got all spiffed up to head out for halloween. As a general rule I take Jasper out for a long walk before I head out to do anything because it tuckets him out and he just sleeps while i’m gone instead of leaving me “presents”. As I looped back around to head home some little fucker shot what I assume was a bottle rocket or firecracker at me.

What you need to understand is, even though Jasper is ginormous and scary looking, he is indeed a huge pussy. I heared a loud pop (which naturally freaked me the fuck out) and the next thing I knew Jas was pulling me into the street infront of the car. He never does this. I pulled back trying to get him back onto the side walk but he was just having none of it. he managed to wiggle free and he bolted right down the street.

I’ve never seen him run like that. I called my friends down the street and we went out searching. They were in cars, and I was on foot sobbing like a little girl. Anyone who knows me well knows how much I fucking love that dog. It’s pathetic, but at some points in my life he has been the one thing I look forward to. The thought of losing him because i couldn’t handle him at a moment in time, and due to someone else acting like an asshole leaves me speechless. I seriously turned into a basketcase.

So basically I’m trekking around the West End in my sweats, with my extensions in, sobbing with make up running down my face-generally looking pathetic. The whole thing happened outside a residence, so I went back there to look for the little fuckers (i was incredibly pissed off at this point) but no one was there…so i used the front desk phone and left the manager a nice voice mail.

Luckily the manager, Mike, was a stand up guy and he ended up calling me back within about 10 minutes apologizing profusely. They have video surveillance and he had me call the police (who just laughed at me by the way).  By now I had given up and just wanted to go home and wallow over my loss. I think I was about half way home (and incredibly out of it) when I just sat down on the sidewalk and cried like a stupid little girl.

Guess who comes running? Jasper does. The little fucker.

So it all ended well, and I still went out and had a fairly decent time.

And they’re back. I’ve been pretty well nightmare free since the beginning of August. I suppose all good things must come to an end though.

I basically pulled an all nighter last night for an economics test I had today. Finally at 6am I went to sleep planning on getting up at 8 to go to my classes. I woke up around 7 all sweaty and panicking. My nightmares are usually very vivid, but obviously not realistic.

I don’t know what it was about this dream, but it was just fucking horrifying. It was like any pain inflicted during the dream I could actually feel. Has anyone else ever experienced this? It was absolutely fucking terrifying. I use to have someone I could call and talk to(and have calm me down) or someone to at least hold me when this shit happened.

Now I have a dog. Not the most comforting thing in the world. Needless to say I didn’t go back to sleep. I studied a bit, though there’s not much studying you can do when you’re in a paranoid state of panic.

On a positive note, I finally got my unemployment insurance! I’m rich!

I figured since it’s the beginning of October I’d beat the crowds and go grab a Halloween costume. Every other year stuff has been picked over, and holy fuck prices have been insane! So today during a study break I went and took a gander at the two party stores in town (ironically right across from each other).

One had like..nothing. Every costume they had seemed to be sold out. The other store had some awful prices.  My solution was to go across the street to the on with stupid prices to try stuff on. I found something I liked and guffawed when I looked at the price. They wanted 30$ more than the other store!(the other store was sold out..the stupidly expensive store did not know this). I did what any sensible person would do…I told the expensive store I would go across the street if they wouldn’t price match.

I got my way. Of course.

So to make my original point: I am being Wednesday Addams for Halloween.  I came across some supplies to make some clip in extensions so that I won’t be stuck wearing some stupid wig. I’ve been wanting extensions anyway, long hair is fun!

And now I must get back to the fun that is studying economics. Ugh