Psychotically-pink

When I’m alone I have too much time to think, to wonder about how things could have been.I keep reading his blog. It doesn’t usually sting too much, but then I saw this line, “I don’t even really like the girl.” It was written when we were still fucking..when I thought things might be on the mend. I felt a pang. My eyes may have stung a bit. It’s weird when someone goes from supposedly hating you, to professing love and wanting you back.

I made my choice. I know that. I just wish I would stop torturing myself. The new guy is amazing, attentive and sweeter than any guy has been before. For months I went without contact with the ex and then he popped back into my life again. Although I can’t forgive him for what he did…at least not right now there’s still a huge fucking part of me that cares. I know everything will work out the way it’s supposed to,and I know I’m better off (like I said, new guy is everything a girl could ask for, and more) but fuck sometimes I wish the ex hadn’t thrown what we had away.

Starting over isn’t as easy as I thought it would be.

I don’t know if its the weather, the stress or what but I’ve just felt out of it lately: nostalgic, lonely at times but pretty much content. It’s nice to be able to look back on things and see them for what they are, nice memories. I’m trying to focus on myself more and take every day in stride. So far it’s going well.

A good friend of mine once said, “Ashli, you’re thinking too much. Just live in the moment.” This is my (somewhat) new philosophy. I try not to dwell, doddle or focus too much on any one thing in particular. It’s satisfying. I never use to be able to hook Jasper up to his leash and go out for a long walk and just enjoy the scenery and people watch. I’ve never been that girl (unless the people watching included making fun of people anyway). I can feel myself growing and it’s nice. I’m not constantly rattled about stupid little things anymore..whatever happens is going to happen-there really isn’t any sense in fretting or worrying about it too much. N’est pas?

Basically it all comes down to this: I don’t get my hopes up. A few people have misunderstood what I mean and tell me I’m being depressing or pessimistic, but really it’s not about that. I’s about enjoying every day and moment as it comes. Why worry yourself sick about something that may or may not happen within the next few days, months or even years?

I’m not saying have no hope, and I’m certainly not saying I’ve thrown my goals and ambitions to the wind (after all how could I let go of the things that helped bring about this change several months ago?) I still have goals, dreams things I intend on doing eventually. The main thing is I’m working towards them without high expectations. Things will work out the way they should. The same applies to life in general.

Given my luck I just prefer to go with the flow now. There’s no point in getting all worked up and looking forward to something that may never actually happen. (or worse comes thisclose to happening and then falls through) I’d rather take things in stride, and be even happier when things go my way, than to sit around being a worry wart and be absolutely devastated when things don’t go my way.

It makes sense to me anyway.

So I’ve been thinking a lot lately (it’s all I do really, when my internet isn’t working) and I have some pretty amazing friends. The more I think about it, the more I realize in my last relationship I was sort of one of “those” girls (you know the ones who never hang out with their friends…not nearly as much as they used to). I mean, I didn’t drop off the face of the earth like some of our friends have, but I certainly wasn’t around as much as I should have been.

No wonder my independence went out the window over those 3 years. It’s something I’m not going to let happen again. Friends are probably the most important thing you have aside from family, and if you alienate them enough, they probably won’t stick around.

So here’s a list of thank you’s:

Meg: for being there for me even at the moments when we want to rip each others throats out. And for not judging me.
Vanita: for the long talks we have had over the last few months over both of us losing what we felt were great relationships-seemingly out of the blue
Cherith: for listening when we tell her she’s about to do something stupid, so she doesn’t. And making me laugh, girl is hilarious.
Katey:for coming over all summer even when I was locked up in my room refusing to come out, wanting to be alone. You got me out of the house and we had some fun adventures. I miss you.
Zak: for the late night msn talks about boys and broken hearts. You give me faith. I just wish you would move back home.
Rachel: for the email you sent me after reading my blogs, assuring me that life goes on and happiness is just around the corner.

It’s been a good stretch of feeling pretty good about life in general.

Today I woke up and I just felt off. Now that I’m home from classes I’m just feeling miserable and alone. I haven’t cried over what I lost in probably..weeks now..but today it just sort of hit me again.

I hate waking up alone. I hate feeling lonely and I hate that I miss it all so much. I really do. Hopefully after today I’ll have another long stretch of being fine.

So I have a friend that I use to work with, I haven’t seen her in a long while. Today we finally had a chance to meet up and grab some Moxies. It turns out both of us have had pretty severe summers (hers much more so than mine in terms of severity). Without going into too much detail of her current predicament I’ll just say the family is preparing for a loss and it has everyone on edge.

We bitched about life over appetizers and goat cheese pizza when she started telling me about a fight her and her beau had earlier this week. I have never in my entire life been so utterly fucking appalled by something a man has said to his significant other: he called her useless. Of all the things to call someone, especially when they’re having a rough time this is one of the worst.

I’ve been called lazy, crazy, unmotivated and other things I’m sure I’m not remembering, but never in my entire life have I been called useless. If a guy chose to call me useless he’d be getting a swift kick to the nads and you can bet your ass he’d be apologizing all the way home. I know I’m a bit of a pushover, but something like this just crosses the line.

And he hasn’t apologized yet.

I’ve never been a name caller..maybe I should give him the benefit of the doubt and assume it was said out of anger. There’s just something about it that makes me feel fairly ill. When I’m angry I cry, I yell and I throw shit. I have a bad temper: it’s what I do. I don’t name call, and I don’t know many people who sling insults back and forth when they fight.

She’s asked me for advice and I honestly don’t know what to say. I don’t do the silent treatment, I don’t run away from fights, and ontop of all of that I really don’t feel comfortable giving out relationship advice right now.

And they’re back. I’ve been pretty well nightmare free since the beginning of August. I suppose all good things must come to an end though.

I basically pulled an all nighter last night for an economics test I had today. Finally at 6am I went to sleep planning on getting up at 8 to go to my classes. I woke up around 7 all sweaty and panicking. My nightmares are usually very vivid, but obviously not realistic.

I don’t know what it was about this dream, but it was just fucking horrifying. It was like any pain inflicted during the dream I could actually feel. Has anyone else ever experienced this? It was absolutely fucking terrifying. I use to have someone I could call and talk to(and have calm me down) or someone to at least hold me when this shit happened.

Now I have a dog. Not the most comforting thing in the world. Needless to say I didn’t go back to sleep. I studied a bit, though there’s not much studying you can do when you’re in a paranoid state of panic.

On a positive note, I finally got my unemployment insurance! I’m rich!

Love doesn’t come in perfect packages, that means I qualify.
And I know it’s not your way, but I thought we could give it a try.

She says, you know I love you, but I feel so one in ten.

-One in Ten:Third Eye Blind

Night world!

The Only Exception

When I was younger I saw my daddy cry
and curse at the wind.
He broke his own heart and I watched
as he tried to reassemble it.

And my momma swore
that she would never let herself forget.
And that was the day that I promised
I’d never sing of love if it does not exist.

But Darling,
You are the only exception.
You are the only exception.
You are the only exception.
You are the only exception.

Maybe I know somewhere
deep in my soul
that love never lasts.
And we’ve got to find other ways
to make it alone.
Keep a straight face.
And I’ve always lived like this
keeping a comfortable distance.
And up until now I had sworn to myself
that I’m content with loneliness.

Because none of it was ever worth the risk.

Well you are the only exception.
You are the only exception.
You are the only exception.
You are the only exception.
You are the only exception.

I’ve got a tight grip on reality,
but I can’t let go of what’s in front of me here.
I know you’re leaving in the morning
when you wake up.
Leave me with some kind of proof its not a dream.

You are the only exception.
You are the only exception.
You are the only exception.
You are the only exception.

You are the only exception.
You are the only exception.
You are the only exception.
You are the only exception.

I’m on my way to believing
And I’m on my way to believing

How therapy always gives me a stomach ache after. I seriously usually feel a little physically ill, and emotionally exhausted after. I know it’s not much to complain about, but it still irks me. I think part of the problem is that I am an incredibly stubborn person. I don’t take advice from my family or friends well, so taking it from someone who is pretty much a stranger, just isn’t something I do easily.

I dunno. I know I need to do this, I have so many fucking issues I need to work on. I just hate thinking that the person sitting across from me thinks they know more about me than I do myself…and this is after a one hour session. As the sessions continue, that attitude always increases.

Or maybe I’ve just had shit luck with therapists. This time around my Therapist is pretty close age wise. I’d ball park her at 28. She looks like most of the girls I took Social Work with at the University. I don’t like it. She’s very pretty in a country club sort of way. So when I’m talking to her about my problems, I do feel horribly inadequate.  Its always easier to swallow this stuff when the person is older than me-then I can always twist it around into some sort of pseudo parent relationship.

Anyway, this is what she’s decided thus far:

1)I always put myself in relationships with friends and others that I should avoid. Sure I do. I know this. But who the fuck doesn’t?

2)I’m terrified of the future. My laid back “live day by day” life style is just me being afraid of whatever may happen a few years down the road. Apparently this is why I cling onto past relationships and put myself through the ringer until I can’t handle it anymore and give up-or do something stupid.

I’m sure there’s more..but at that point I was just tuning her out because I did not like a single thing she said. I listened to her suggestions, knowing full well I likely won’t be following any of them…at least not right now. I’m too emotionally drained and stressed out right now to cause myself the obvious pain it would entail.

She basically made me list off all of my current relationships and she told me which ones I need  break from to clear my head. Well guess what? No. I’m not going to do that. If I can have some semblance of happiness even for just a moment of time right now, I’m going to keep it.

I know it’s catty of me, and I’m just projecting my fear on her- but when she’s giving me all her “Advice” I look at her perfectly manicured nails, polished hair and it kind of makes me sick inside.  Then again she’s the professional or whatever, right?

I just want to know more about her. I find it much easier to trust someone’s advice and opinion if we’re exchanging information instead of me just talking her ear off. You know? Maybe after a few sessions things will turn around. Right now I’m just pissed off. (I haven’t decided if it’s because I know she’s right, or because she seems like a pretentious priss.)

I hate stumbling upon things. Things that really in the scheme of things don’t matter because actions speak louder than words right?

I hate over thinking, getting irate and upset. I really shouldn’t.

Take a deep breath..stay calm. Think positive.

I just wish it was that easy.