If you’re easily offended, don’t.

But I miss screaming and fighting and kissing in the rain
And it’s 2am and I’m cursing your name
You’re so in love that you act insane
And that’s the way I loved you
Breakin’ down and coming undone
It’s a roller coaster kinda rush
And I never knew I could feel that much
And that’s the way I loved you

He respects my space
And never makes me wait
And he calls exactly when he says he will
He’s close to my mother
Talks business with my father
He’s charming and endearing
And I’m comfortable

But I miss screaming and fighting and kissing in the rain
And it’s 2am and I’m cursing your name
You’re so in love that you act insane
And that’s the way I loved you
Breakin’ down and coming undone
It’s a roller coaster kinda rush
And I never knew I could feel that much
And that’s the way I loved you

He can’t see the smile I’m faking
And my heart’s not breaking
Cause I’m not feeling anything at all
And you were wild and crazy
Just so frustrating intoxicating
Complicated, got away by some mistake and now

I miss screaming and fighting and kissing in the rain
It’s 2am and I’m cursing your name
I’m so in love that I acted insane
And that’s the way I loved you
Breaking down and coming undone
It’s a roller coaster kinda rush
And I never knew I could feel that much
And that’s the way I loved you oh, oh

And that’s the way I loved you oh, oh
Never knew I could feel that much
And that’s the way I loved you

I made my choice. I know that. I just wish I would stop torturing myself. The new guy is amazing, attentive and sweeter than any guy has been before. For months I went without contact with the ex and then he popped back into my life again. Although I can’t forgive him for what he did…at least not right now there’s still a huge fucking part of me that cares. I know everything will work out the way it’s supposed to,and I know I’m better off (like I said, new guy is everything a girl could ask for, and more) but fuck sometimes I wish the ex hadn’t thrown what we had away.

Starting over isn’t as easy as I thought it would be.

It’s a little sad that I hope he remembers.

n’est pas?

I woke up today alone, lonely and generally feeling like crap.

Bah.

A good friend of mine once said, “Ashli, you’re thinking too much. Just live in the moment.” This is my (somewhat) new philosophy. I try not to dwell, doddle or focus too much on any one thing in particular. It’s satisfying. I never use to be able to hook Jasper up to his leash and go out for a long walk and just enjoy the scenery and people watch. I’ve never been that girl (unless the people watching included making fun of people anyway). I can feel myself growing and it’s nice. I’m not constantly rattled about stupid little things anymore..whatever happens is going to happen-there really isn’t any sense in fretting or worrying about it too much. N’est pas?

Basically it all comes down to this: I don’t get my hopes up. A few people have misunderstood what I mean and tell me I’m being depressing or pessimistic, but really it’s not about that. I’s about enjoying every day and moment as it comes. Why worry yourself sick about something that may or may not happen within the next few days, months or even years?

I’m not saying have no hope, and I’m certainly not saying I’ve thrown my goals and ambitions to the wind (after all how could I let go of the things that helped bring about this change several months ago?) I still have goals, dreams things I intend on doing eventually. The main thing is I’m working towards them without high expectations. Things will work out the way they should. The same applies to life in general.

Given my luck I just prefer to go with the flow now. There’s no point in getting all worked up and looking forward to something that may never actually happen. (or worse comes thisclose to happening and then falls through) I’d rather take things in stride, and be even happier when things go my way, than to sit around being a worry wart and be absolutely devastated when things don’t go my way.

It makes sense to me anyway.

No wonder my independence went out the window over those 3 years. It’s something I’m not going to let happen again. Friends are probably the most important thing you have aside from family, and if you alienate them enough, they probably won’t stick around.

So here’s a list of thank you’s:

Meg: for being there for me even at the moments when we want to rip each others throats out. And for not judging me.
Vanita: for the long talks we have had over the last few months over both of us losing what we felt were great relationships-seemingly out of the blue
Cherith: for listening when we tell her she’s about to do something stupid, so she doesn’t. And making me laugh, girl is hilarious.
Katey:for coming over all summer even when I was locked up in my room refusing to come out, wanting to be alone. You got me out of the house and we had some fun adventures. I miss you.
Zak: for the late night msn talks about boys and broken hearts. You give me faith. I just wish you would move back home.
Rachel: for the email you sent me after reading my blogs, assuring me that life goes on and happiness is just around the corner.

I think back in the beginning of July I managed to destroy my lovely rumor. Up until then I had avoided all the problems they’re supposedly plagued with. I however do have a horrible habit of walking around with my cell phone in my back pocket. Sometimes I just don’t want to be carrying a purse, and most of the time my cell is in my pocket when I’m at home (I don’t have a home phone, just my cell).

So one day I needed to pee (Don’t say i didn’t warn you) and my phone was in my back pocket. As I sat down I distinctly remember thinking to myself, “It would really suck if your phone fell out of your pocket and into the toilet right now.” I jinxed myself folks.

If you’ve been reading my blog for any amount of time (and those of you who have followed me around on the interwebs since I started back when I was 20) you know my shit luck, and you know that when i think about how awful something happening would be, it usually happens.

So there I was mid tinkle when I heard a loud splash. Fuck. I looked down at my ankles and my phone was missing from my pants pocket. At this point I had no idea what to do. Do I flush? Do I fish out the phone, pee and all? I loved that phone, so you can bet that without thinking I fished that phone out of the bowl. Then I flushed.

After that i panicked when I realized how gross what I just did was. Without thinking I washed my hands (well up to my elbows really) and proceeded to rinse off my phone. My brain just doesn’t work well under pressure. So if peeing on my phone hadn’t destroyed it, then rinsing it off surely did.

I ended up replacing it with the exact same phone, though its had tons of issues. I need an upgrade.

Story of my life.

I’m a firm believe in rescuing animals, but I also realize some people want a puppy for obvious reasons. They’re playful, you can train them without worries of preexisting bad habits, and they’re just fucking cute. On the downside not everyone has time to train properly, they’re insanely expensive and most puppies end up in a pound before the age of 3 because people just don’t know what they’re getting into.

My main concern with the whole buying a puppy thing, is the puppy mill trade. In Canada it’s bad enough (Quebec has millions of Puppy Mills that have yet to be shut down) but the states is even worse. People sell puppies out of the back of vans in grocery store parking lots, Pet Stores buy puppies by the crate load then sell them for 10 times as much as they paid, dogs lie in cages too small to turn around in, sitting in their own feces with toenails so long they grow into their pads.

Tons of people don’t even know what a puppy mill is. If I had a dollar for the blank stares I got when I start on one of my animal welfare tirades I’d have been out of debt years ago. the biggest problem here is ignorance. Every puppy you buy is replaced by another. Most aren’t registered, healthy or come with any sort of health guarantee. Most are sick, abused and you don’t even notice until you’ve brought your pup home and the 24 hour health guarantee given by most pet stores is long past.

It starts out simple enough. A runny nose, the sneezes, maybe a touch of kennel cough. The new owner things to themselves, “Well this puppy would obviously be better off with us, than here in this glass cage playing in shredded newspaper.” That may be so, but this puppy is going to cost you a fortune more than a puppy from a reputable breeder would. You’re going have to pay for extra shots, probably antibiotics, a good round of fluids, and in the worst case scenario you’ll have to let your new best friend go.

Running rampant in puppy mills (and as a result) and petstores is canine parvo virus. Naturally puppy mills (and believe me, some pet stores) are not hygenic places. Even a puppy brought home to early (in my opinion anything before 8 weeks is too early, even that is pushing it) can catch it by stepping or sniffing another dog’s feces. It’s horribly contagious and while most older dogs can fight off an infection, puppies are much smaller with delicate immune systems.

I’m sure there’s millions of families every year who lose puppies to this disease. Usually the first symptom is lethargy, then diarrhea which leads to intense dehydration. The pup can’t keep down food or water. I’ve seen the damage this disease has on small puppies first hand, and it’s truly heartbreaking. Usually once a pup is brought to vet it’s too late and not much can be done.

I’m not going to go into detail as to how the virus works and such..the point is do your research. If you buy a pup and it has parvo you won’t be able to introduce another puppy to the household for a very long time..this virus is so hard to get rid of with cleaning agents.

I know the puppy at the petstore is adorable and deserves a good home, but when you buy that puppy its just going to be replaced by another puppy from a mill. So the cycle continues. Rescue when you can, buy from a reputable breeder when you can’t.

Good breeders:

• offer a lifelong commitment
• will provide the first set of shots and dewormx2 and have the paperwork to show it
• have puppies in the home underfoot, not in a barn or cage
• have both parents on site, again as a part of the family
• have paper work showing both parents have been tested for genetic defects
• provide a guarantee against these defects in their puppies
• not allow puppies to go home until 8 weeks of age (i prefer 12 personally)

And if you need anymore convincing (don’t watch if you have a weak stomach):