Psychotically-pink

I slept like crap last night.

Three times I had very vivid dreams involving the same huge fucking yellow spider on my bed. I hate dreams like this..they seem so real.

I haven’t had vivid nightmares in about 2 years now. I don’t know if I should assume its from stress, feeling lonely, or just plain desperation.

Either way it was very uncool. I woke up this morning feeling very much the same way I’ve felt over the last few days: terrified, lonely, and like I’m going to vomit. I hate this knot in my belly.

I just want everything to go back to normal. I really do.

“If life isn’t moving forward, you’re just moving backward.”

I put the final touches on my business plan today. I even took a look at a few retail spaces. I think it’s important to check these things out before I apply for funding so I know exactly what it is I’ll be needing. There’s a cute little closet of a store in my local mall that would be perfect for what I need. It’s only about 600 square feet, but it runs the same price as the stores on the streets outside of the mall.

I wanted downtown anyway.

I’m being offered a few months rent free…and the offer stands for as long as it takes. The mall manager was very adamant about that. She was actually ridiculously excited about having a pet store in the mall and offered to help in any way she could. It was so nice to have someone genuinely excited about my little project. She gave me her card and told me to let her know once I had everything figured out.

I’m currently weighing my options. A few things depend how the next few days events go.  I’m trying to prepare for any possible outcome. I’m also heavily considering getting myself some business background before I dive into this. There’s a new government program that could work perfectly for me.

It basically is for anyone who has been laid off within the last few years, and has also left school at some point to work full time.  I’ve dealt with both these things. While I would like to finish my Sociology degree sometime, I don’t see the point in dropping 20k on something I may not even use in the future at this point in time. There’s no rush.

This new program actually pays for people to go get training to start a new career. In my case I could get a degree in International Business, Business Accounting or Business Marketing and they would all probably suit me perfectly. The government foots the bill. The whole point is they want people getting educations so they can get into proper jobs and not constantly be at risk for layoff or cutbacks. Every person who qualifies can get up to 28 000$ over the course of two years towards furthering their education.

Only some programs apply, and I couldn’t find any at the University level, but there were tons of options for the College in town. Tomorrow morning I’m going to make an appointment and get the ball rolling on this. The business programs are still open so I could even start in September if I get on this. I think knowing this will help me achieve my ultimate dream will light the fire under my ass to get a proper education.

So my options..find funding and open the store now or go to College and get some business education so I actually know how to run a business (and probably also up my chances of getting funding since I’d be less of a risk). I think my choice is fairly obvious.

I’m so happy someone told me about this program. It solves my issue of feeling like shit because I haven’t finished a degree, but not being able to because I don’t want to be any further into debt. Thank you to the government for finally being proactive about things.

If only things could continue on an upward slope that would be lovely.

What exactly do you consider to be ambition? Read the definition here.

I’m trying to figure out exactly what ambition means to me. Are my ambitions as simple as being happy day to day? (Which some of you may know can be hard for someone with a mental illness). Is it to make everyone around me happy? (I tend to put everyone elses needs and desires before my own. It’s something I’ve been working on, but I don’t really think it’s a bad thing). Or are my ambitions to open up my pet store and finally do something I’ve been passionate about since I was a child? (Rome wasn’t built in a day)

I want to lose weight. Is that an ambition..or a goal?

The two terms are beginning to muddle together for me. I’m having trouble deciding what is what. My main objective right now is to find a new job, or go back to school. Are these goals or ambitions? To me an ambition is the ultimate dream you want to achieve. Something attainable..

I personally do not believe a framed piece of paper means anyone has more ambition than someone else. I do however, appreciate anyone whohas the intelligence and strength to go through school and get a degree. I’m horribly proud of all my friends who are in school bettering themselves. I really am.

However, the road isn’t always so straight and narrow for some. Sometimes people take a curvy road…the road less traveled. We dabble in things, deciding exactly what we want, or don’t want. What we enjoy and what we can’t stand. Sure it might take a bit longer…or you might end up like me: realizing you want to do what you’ve dreamed about since you were a child. our type enjoy the scenic view. Enjoying life as it comes, sometimes even waiting until its too late to settle down at the side of the road and really think about what it is we’re striving for.

On the other hand, what’s the point in taking a short cut and rushing forward when in the end you might get there earlier…but you could be alone for a while before anyone catches up to you. You may be stressed out from all the rushing, and you may have pushed away everyone close to you in your rush.

Slow and steady wins the race. Rome wasn’t built in a day. Not everyone is capable of knowing exactly what they want out of their life when they’re still young. To those who take the straight and narrow road and manage to balance pleasure and business without any casualties:congradulations. You’re a rare breed. I would give anything to realize what I have lately even one short year ago. To have saved myself some time. I don’t regret it though because I’ve grown and I’ve learned about myself.

Can ambition really be measured by time? If someone eventually achieved their goals..their dreams…their ambitions does it really matter how long it took? Does it really matter if they took a slight detour along the way? Does it make them less ambitious than someone who followed the shortest route?

Everyone is entitled to their own opinion, but I don’t think so. As long as someone knows what they need or want to do, and their striving towards that…then who can judge them? It’s something you do for yourself, not anyone else. What’s the point in rushing towards your final destination. You won’t enjoy it any more if you get there quickly..infact you might enjoy it more if you worked longer to get towards it. It may be more fuliflling that way.

I think the whole point is just to get to the end of the road without crashing.

Well, I’m sorry folks. My hosting ran out and since I was laid off I haven’t had any money to renew my hosting. Thanks to Renee at Belle for hooking me up.

I’m back..and I wasn’t bright enough to backup my blog before my site was on the fritz, so I suppose I just need to start over. I’m pretty much okay with that anyway.

My life seems to have come to a crossroads over the last few days. Atleast I can write and free up my feelings now…I think if I didn’t have this outlet I’d probably go insane.