How do I love thee? Let me count the ways..
Today is one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and sulk. It’s one of those days where you wake up and it’s just like “Why meee??!”
I was so happy a month a half ago. Now most of the time I feel like an empty shell, pretending to be fine for everyone else’s benefit.
Today for the most part. Are there periods of sadness? Sure. But it won’t help any, so I’m putting on a brave face and just trying to get past it.
Buying the pink netbook may have to wait. I was going through my things today and I can’t find a lot of things. My pots and pans are missing, I have no microwave, the only jeans that fit since I’ve lost weight are wearing thin. So I think living supplies and clothes may override a laptop for now.
Stupid priorities. I also couldn’t find hello kitty anything 
. My mom bought me a polka dot backpack that is cute, so that’s fine. I’ll find something to hold my lunches. My grandparents are 99% sure they’re going to be buying a truck they went to see yesterday. I hope they do because it would just make moving so much easier.
I really I hope I find out about the government program soon. I need to move back. Chatham is so fucking borrrriinnngggg,
I just have to get this on my chest because it just keeps popping into my damn head.
Tomorrow is the day we were going to move in together.
A month ago I was researching ways to cover up ugly/retro wood paneling and thinking about making a clothes line. Now he’s still moving there, but I’m looking for my own place next week and it just sucks.
How we got from there to here, doesn’t really matter, but fuck thinking about it is depressing.
I know everything will be fine-I’ll be fine. And while I’ve learned a lot about myself in the last month, and I’ve made some major decisions it’s also been incredibly lonely.
Sometimes I miss him so much it hurts.
I just really want school to start so life and continue moving forward and i have something to occupy my mind, other than thinking about how I’ve messed up.
Numero uno (infact as soon as I find out I got into the Second Career program this puppy will be mine. Muahahahhaha!)
And these (I am 25 going on 14 and I don’t care what anyone thinks.):
or
and for lunch:
heheheheheehe Have I mentioned how much I love back to school shopping?
I am in a surprisingly good mood today.
It’s nice.
I’ve been thinking a lot about myself lately…and how I’ve grown (or not as the case may be). So often we hear the term “Damaged Goods” being thrown around regarding men and women, in, or out of relationships. You know, with the usual “Stay away!!!” type of comments.
So I’ve been thinking…am I damaged goods? Part of me wants to scream out yes. In fact, I probably am, but I really don’t necessarily think it’s a bad thing. Sure I have my issues and a bit of emotional baggage, but perfection doesn’t exist, and I’m sure if it did it would be fucking boring.
And at least I’m aware of my issues, right? And at least I’m working on them, right?
Sure I belong on an emotional short bus 80% of the time. I over-analyze, I’m paranoid sometimes, and I’m moody as hell. I speak my mind, I’m emotional and I’m the kind of person you either love or hate.
I also had some issue in the past with being horribly indecisive. It’s led to dropping out of school a few times, changing my major three times, and generally avoiding furthering my education in general. Yet if you ask me what I would change about my past, I’d say nothing. Why? Because then I wouldn’t be where I am today. Sure, I’ve jumped from Social Work, to Liberal Studies, to Sociology. But I found my niche. I’ve written my business plan, and I’m furthering my education accordingly.
I’m following through this time, because I really have no choice. Now or never, right? Not often do you have a chance for the government to completely fund your education. Go big or go home.
My finances are a mess. I can admit that. I have a ton of student loan debt, and I made hasty decisions when I started getting credit cards when I was 19-21. The credit Card debt for the most part has been taken care of (there’s still some left, but I do what I can). The student loans I haven’t started paying back yet because you have to make above 1900$ before OSAP expects you to start paying them. From what I’ve read the average student coming out of marketing makes around 19$ an hour to start…so this should help.
You learn from your mistakes, and it happens to the best of us. Things could be a lot worse, could they not? I could be a criminal…addicted to drugs…living off the tax payers money?
I’m 25 and I have years to take care of my issues (and to learn to live with and manage some of the things I can’t change) .The whole point is that all of these things are what make me-me. I’ve learned a lot over the years, and I’m no where near the girl I was when I moved out on my own at 19 years of age.
All of these things give me character, they’ve shaped my personality. Mix these “faults” in with all the positive and great things about me, and I think I’m a pretty darn cool girl. Besides, everyone one of these things can have a positive spin.
Sure I’m a little mentally and emotionally damaged, but I’m also passionate. I messed my education up a little bit, but it help me figure out what I definitely want to do with my life. And sure I use to be really bad with money, but I’ve cut up my credit cards, made a budget and I’ve been sticking to it.
So go me. I am my own personal cheerleader. Everything that’s happened in my life is just going to make me a stronger person.
I’ve posted before about how I love the rain(well in the summer anyway).
I love the smell and I love the sound.
It really just makes me want to curl up in a comforter with a cup of tea and a good book. It’s also a bit lonely though, since I have no one to curl up with anymore
Insomnia: 4
Ashli: 0
Awesome.
Music: Farewell to Friends by Matchbook Romance-The West for Wishing EP
My grandmother makes a mean homemade mac and cheese from scratch. She made it for me today, and instead of using her usual cheddar cheese, she used some tex mex cheese.
The results were disgusting. I feel a little awful now. I have a horrible aftertaste in my mouth
Secondly, I’ve been guilted into taking my step father with me when I go to look for apartments. I’m not really looking forward to this because he’s been acting like a miserable ogre lately.
So today I am planning on sitting around in my pj’s and doing nothing.
So far I’ve watched season 1 of The Big Bang Theory, as well as I Am Legend (amazing movie) and Forgetting Sarah Marshal.
I’m feeling much better since yesterday. Stress levels have just been running high for everyone right now. Everyone is in the middle of moving, getting ready to go back to school, not to mention emotional issues.
Today I am just letting it all go, and relaxing. I may venture out for coffee later, but we’ll see.
Most likely I’ll just play Dead Space, Black and White, and watch more movies.
Ps-I added a school page with my school schedule. Because you know, you all care 
Deleted the school page once it was pointed out to me that posting my schedule was probably not the smartest thing to do. Good point.
